Where I Live

How To Be a Beach Bastard

I’m currently spending a grand week at a beautiful beach with a dear friend from college. Yesterday, the sky was wide and a vibrant blue. The coast’s plunging, foamy breakers made for an adventurous swim, the water itself a refreshing respite from the radiance of the sun. My pasty Scots-skin scorched, even though I felt as if I’d sprayed and slathered myself sticky with sunscreen. I was a little (just a little) grateful today had been rainy. I needed a break from the sun, from the sweltering heat.

Yesterday, my friend and I were also forced into playing a game on the beach we didn’t particularly care for, a game I like to call Who The Hell Got Here First (aka How to Be a Beach Bastard). The end goal of the game is to garner a prime spot with a superb view of the waves. To play the game effectively, a player must arrive at the beach around 5am and set up his or her stuff, which includes — at the bare minimum — beach chairs, beach towels, beach coolers, and beach bags of excess beach things like beach coverups, beach sunglasses, beach SPF, beach toys, beach sandals, beach visors and floppy hats, beach Kindles and iPads, beach portable DVD players, beach music players, beach hardcover or paperback novels should one not be beach tech-savvy, beach snacks, beach beer bottle openers, beach condoms, etc, etc.

Some players add in extra beach gear like beach umbrellas of various sizes or portable beach cabanas. However, the true Beach Bastards — the guaranteed winners of the game whether we like it or not — will bring a giant beach canopy tent that shelters up to 20 people at a time and BLOCKS everyone else’s view. The Beach Bastards must also leave their canopy on the beach at all times, staking that one particularly awesome spot for the entirety of their seemingly never-ending vacation time.

This evening, my friend and I went for a walk on the beach, which was somewhat hard to do. There was just too much beach gear in the way. My friend aptly deemed the Beach Bastards’ home-base “the Asshole Encampment.” It’s so true.

I just don’t know why people are legally able to pull that sort of territorial crap on the beach. While I certainly don’t condone stealing, the women in the notorious beach tent video that’s gone viral may have been doing the general beach-going public a service had the canopy owner not caught them. Maybe they were trying to take the canopy down in order to toss it into the ocean, leaving the view to be appreciated by all…

On second thought, maybe they were simply cheating their way through the game of Who The Hell Got Here First (aka How to Be a Beach Bastard).


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