Dear Ms. JENNINGS:
CONGRATULATIONS! We at MILITACORP are excited to inform you that you have been selected to receive our newest product our company hopes to officially launch to the public in 2015: the GRADEBASTARD-1000!
Do you have 125-175 papers to grade every week and not enough time in which to perform your daily household chores and errands? Do you need time away from deskwork just to relax for a little while? Does the thought of spending the entirety of your weekend reading horribly written essays and research papers and then having to assess them make you cringe, make you LOATHE the very idea of a weekend?
The GRADEBASTARD-1000 has been especially created for the writing professor, like you, who is in need of a little extra assistance!
Using our handy remote control unit, you have the ability to program the GRADEBASTARD-1000 to perform all of the following functions:
- Read over each student’s piece of writing quickly and carefully.
- Assess each student’s writing skills fairly and accurately and then report those assessments back to you.
- Respond thoughtfully to each student’s piece of writing using individualized commentary you do not need to pre-set. The GRADEBASTARD-1000 also has over 250 uniquely sloppy handwriting settings to make it seem as if an actual human being has written on each paper.
- Assign and then record (fair) grades to each student’s writing assignment.
- Detect plagiarized material within a matter of seconds and determine appropriate course of action.
Should any students have complaints about the grade they have earned according to the GRADEBASTARD-1000’s 100% accurate assessment of their work, we’re proud to announce a brand new ADVANCED setting on the 1000 model you may wish to consider activating: STUDENT-ROBOT CONFERENCING*! Yes, you no longer have to deal with those angry, grade-obsessed, irrational students ever again!
Ms. JENNINGS, your GRADEBASTARD-1000 will be expected to arrive in 6-8 weeks, just in time for midterms and research papers. Feel free to contact our 24-hour customer service helpline should you need assistance with your GRADEBASTARD-1000. We hope you love our product designed especially for YOU!
Sincerely Yours,
Fridley Bumsquatcher
CEO, MILITACORP
*Should user select the STUDENT-ROBOT CONFERENCING function, MILITACORP does not guarantee student and/or professor safety. The STUDENT-ROBOT CONFERENCING function has yet to undergo further trials.
This, On Purpose 
Reblogged this on Exposure and commented:
funny
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Thanks! If only I had one! 🙂
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Very peppily put!
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Thanks! I try! 🙂
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If I’d had one of these, I might still be teaching. You might want to read “A Single English Teacher’s Lament” on my blog…I think you’d identify! Judy (I’ll try to post a link in another comment. Don’t want to cut into your grading time!!)
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Oh, I most certainly DO identify (love the thesis clincher, by the way). Thanks so much for sharing it! Tonight, I have to somehow manage to slog through 30 sample/pre-assessment essays. Tomorrow, it will be down to 20. I could really use with a GB-1000 starting right now.
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P.S. from Judy—Okay. Found the link. Here it is: https://grieflessons.wordpress.com/category/english-teachers/
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