Education / Work

Introducing Bertram, Bertrude’s BFF. (Uncensored)


Bertram is the meanest bastard I’ve ever encountered at work. I’m convinced he’s a flat-out sociopath. I think he takes pleasure in making everyone’s life an absolute hell.

Bertram doesn’t give a toss if you have to produce 75 copies for your composition classes for the day, the first that will be underway in less than an hour. He doesn’t care if you wish to have your copies printed on the front and back of each page because of your personal ethics. He doesn’t give a shit about the environment, never mind its people. He knows that he and his kind are obviously going to rule the world at some point because we’re all so stupidly reliant on their assholiness and their deviant, asshole behavior.

Bertram, sonofabitchautomaton, will make certain that —

1. …all copies you attempt to make at work will have creases and bent pages every other page.

2. …the stapler function will cease to work by copy packet number 22. All of the staples thereafter will be either be missing or twisted and warped to a fine point so that you will wind up injuring yourself several times while collecting the disorganized, disastrous pile of “copies.” I think Bertram finds this funny.

3. …the copies made via platen rather than input feed will have to be placed on the glass according to precise (as in to the teeniest micro-micrometer) measurements by length and width. Otherwise, each copy will be completely off kilter. Bertram won’t let you introduce new settings, so don’t even bother with it. You’re screwed anyway.

4. …there will be numerous paper jams that you (clever, clever you) THINK you’ll be able to solve on your own. After a dozen of your (worthless) attempts, however, Bertram, because he’s a total douchenozzle, will start up the copier process all over again, haphazardly print two more packets, and then jam several more sheets of paper in his cranky, farthead machinery. You will attempt to fix the problem several more times, and by the time you give up and give in to Bertram, you will be coated in a smudgy charcoal film of copier ink. I think Bertram finds this especially hilarious.

Bertram, in a nutshell, is a pain in all of our asses. One day, I hope Bertram will retire quickly so that we may get a replacement. Knowing the state budget (add that to the fact none of us are getting a raise anytime soon, but what else is new?), we may get simply a Bertram 2.0 to ruin our working lives further.


(See for everything you needed to know about Bertram’s bestie, Bertude, but were afraid to ask.)

2 thoughts on “Introducing Bertram, Bertrude’s BFF. (Uncensored)

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