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My Own Case of Pearl Clutching.

WARNING: Continue at your own risk and pearl clutching. 

I try so very hard not to let anything shock me…anything people say to/at/in front of me in public, anything I see online, anything my students may write about, anything I read or watch, anything I might experience. As a horror fan, I’ve been told I’m already desensitized, quite possibly even lacking in empathy and compassion. Nothing should shock me these days, right?  However, I am a civilized woman. Well, I consider myself to be. I appreciate manners and general human decency — you know, things we learn from a quite early age like no spitting, no hitting, and no shitting in public.

That said though, I still find myself quite appalled by the occasional happening/whathaveyou that just passes by, slapping me casually — oh, so nonchalantly, like no biggie — right across my face.

To illustrate, today, in the mail, addressed to my grandfather-or-current-addressee, a catalogue (GOODY!)…


I love browsing through catalogues, and my grandparents have amassed quite a collection of subscriptions over the years. I’ve everything from See’s Candies to Archie McPhee catalogues, all of which make for great bathroom reading for bored people who enjoy peace and quiet on the loo.

The Whatever Works catalogue instantly found a home. I liked the look of it, like a SkyMall catalogue containing all sorts of junk I didn’t realize I needed, and didn’t know existed, until I flipped through the thing. I’m talking about things like…


…Wallet Ninjas (I mean, I could have EVERYTHING, including cellphone stand, right THERE!)…


…pink toolkits! (And it’s not even for Breast Cancer Awareness…It’s just pink for pink’s sake!)…


…surge protectors that blend in with wooden floors! (I don’t need this, but why NOT?)…


…those detox foot stickers that are obviously absurd, but the catalogue copy is so good, I MAY HAVE TO BUY THEM!…

Then I flip to page 54…



Maybe it was a mistake? Maybe the next page would have something a little less…




I suppose the company IS called “Whatever Works,” and whatever works, well, yeah, that works for whatever one may truly need at the time. I just expect consistency in my catalogues. You know, like See’s Candies sells CANDY, Gift Baskets N’ Such sells GIFT BASKETS AND SUCH (“such” meaning actual gifty stuff with ribbons and bows). This sort of thing though is totally inconsistent. It’s like SkyMall blended with Naughty Toys R’Us.

To think it had originally been addressed for my grandfather.

(And I can’t stop the pearl clutching!)

6 thoughts on “My Own Case of Pearl Clutching.

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