Socrates hit it with his “Envy is the ulcer of the soul.”
Oh, ENVY, that green-eyed dickster, keeps popping up like a horrid party guest during times when I really don’t feel it, don’t want it, don’t need it around. I’ve a friend who always reminds me that for every person you’re envious of, there are at least ten others who are completely envious of you. That may be true, and I don’t like that very much either.
Today has been that sort of day, the kind of day when I’ve wanted everyone to shut up about their accomplishments, just once. I keep telling myself that my dream is coming true, it actually is, that I have nothing to be envious about. I’ve a roof over my head, a car that runs well, and food on the table. I pay my bills on time (well, okay, the hospital bills will have to wait when the A/C is much more important to me now especially when temperatures are steadily rising in Hellorida). I am able to go out from time to time with nice friends. I don’t have any psychotics lingering around anymore (that’s always a good thing, right?). I can feed my cat good cat food (he eats it heartily, so it must be okay) and manage to afford good medication for him. I have a decent life. There should be NO envy happening around here. I should not be feeling this…
But, fuck all, I do, and it’s righteous. We should be allowed to vent our envy. Mine was birthed from some encouragement by my peers. A teaching endowment — five grand to go towards professional development. My school offers several such awards every year. Stupid me, I listened to my peers — they truly mean well — and struggled to get everything together for my application packet. I worked on my ten minute presentation and practiced it again and again. Thought, well, the premise is broad enough that it would work well. Went through that. Two days after everything was over, I got the call from the head of the Foundation, a call calmly informing me I’d not won an endowment. I was upset about it, but later, I thought, well, some of the others who’d applied were in the same boat. Oh, well. Moving on.
(Wrong. I was. So wrong.)
Today, TODAY, admin. sends out the yearly announcement containing the list of winners and congratulatory remarks. The kicker: According to the list sent, EVERYONE who’d applied got an award EXCEPT for me.
What fresh hell…?
I don’t know how or why this happened. To me. I’m trying not to take it personally, but in essence, it IS personal. Everyone received an award…everyone but me.
My aunt reminded me, once again, I’ve better things coming. Still though, it puts a damper on my work, makes me leery towards my workplace, makes me feel like I’d been betrayed somehow. I suppose, in retrospect, this isn’t anything new for me. I mean, it took me three rejections before I finally got a full-time job there. Someone there simply doesn’t like me, doesn’t believe in me. Well, hell…
(Nothing to do but laugh it off. Just laugh it off.)