I can’t believe I have time to write right now.
(Quickly now. Trying to recall everything thus far.)
Day four of my Monday/Wednesday 9am class: Ten minutes into class, a female student — burnt, two-toned hair; huge lash extensions that made her seem as if butterflies had been glued to her eyelids, and fingernails so long, I don’t know how she’s been able to adequately type anything — who’d been hiding in a seat in the back of the room, suddenly shot up in her seat, snatched up her textbooks, and hustled her way down the aisle, coming directly in front of me, and while I was talking to the class, she said loudly to me, “I thought this was Professor TM’s class! My bad! My bad.” Then, instead of hustling quickly out the door, she sashayed her way slowly to the door, gave me a parting eye roll and huffed out into the hall.
(FUN FACT: Professor TM’s class hasn’t even yet begun because it’s a 12-week course that starts in February, and it’s obviously in another classroom.)
Morning Twilight Zone moment:
10:30am class today had a class average of 52% on their grammar pre-test and an 80% on their writing sample/pre-assessment. That’s a 28% discrepancy, and I KNOW I don’t inflate grades. How? How does one write well, but he/she cannot pick out an easy grammar error in someone else’s sentence? How does that work?
Student Excuse of the Day: I was on campus this morning for my intermediate algebra class but I didn’t make it to yours because the person who sat next to me in my intermediate algebra class had fleas. These disgusting fleas naturally got all over me and on the inside of my jacket. I’m sure you would appreciate having a flea-free classroom, so I went home and got a shower. This email, however, is to inquire about what was done in class today in my absence.
My Actual Response: Hello, We went over the scored pre-assessments in detail (including the grammar pre-test) as well as the assignments for the next class period. Homework for Wed. is up on our online portal. Let me know if I can be of further assistance.
How I Wish I Could’ve Responded: Hello, Well, that is a disgusting predicament, isn’t it? A little tip for you: After you have showered, don’t forget to dip the entirety of your body in an industrial-sized vat of a homemade mixture of water, Lysol Professional Disinfectant Cleaner with Clorox, Simple Green 19128 Crystal Industrial Cleaner, 20 Mule Team Borax, fresh lemon juice, a whole bottle of Mycodex flea shampoo, two and a half cups of Himalayan pink salt, and a splash of holy water. Just ignore the burning sensation. It means it’s working to kill every last flea and living creature that may have taken up residence on your skin. You will know it’s working when, after you’ve stepped out of the vat, your epidermis slides right off. You may look like a victim of the Lament Configuration from Hellraiser, but at least you can be rest assured that them fleas def. be gone!
WTF Just Happened? Someone called me early this morning, and I cannot for the life of me remember who, specifically, called me (general office line). Also, I think I may have agreed to do something in March. (Is this what it’s like when you lose your mind?)
(In response to the Daily Post’s topic, Overworked)