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Christmas Gifts I Won’t Buy My Nephews (2017 edition)

YAY! It’s that wonderful time in the year again! Well, for kids anyway. Everyone else, not so much. It’s often the same: Women wind up taking over the majority of the preparations, often on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Men wind up (literally) in Christmas lights, unsure as to what’s going on or how to help effectively. I’m heading upstate to visit my (middle) sister’s family, and then everyone’s coming down here for Boxing Day/post-Christmas events. I’ve been putting off the household repairs and cleaning for the past day since I’ve been off, and today, day two of my break, has been no different. I’ve decided it can all wait until the last possible freakout-stricken minute. Or I could just not care, I suppose. Make up the beds, put some nice things out, dust around, mop around, end of. The mold in the bathroom, meh. Whatever. The screen torn from my breezeway door, pfft. It’s just going to need replacement anyway. Oh, and then there’s the matter of broken shutters, holes in ceilings, water stains, that kind of stuff I’ve been ignoring (other matters, like 150 research papers,  whined at me).

Last Christmas, I wound up in the hospital, panic having consumed me, and there was nothing at all to be panicky about. It was just how it was. It’s just how it is.

All of that aside, I’ve done my shopping for the kids at least. Nephews are set. It wasn’t terribly complicated. Still, all the 2017 “hot toy trendz” were flashing ads in my face while I shopped online, and, like always, I don’t get much of it. Take the following, for example…

The Hanazuki MoodGleam Wearable ($12)

It’s like a mood ring, but in an ugly-cute bracelet form. “The colors change to reflex (sic) the mood of the wearer.” First of all, someone fire the copywriter. Secondly, I suppose it could come in handy as a warning for when your adorable 5 year-old is about to unleash hell upon the household (I’m assuming it turns a lovely shade of blood clot by then).

Woody wagon ($35)

(Tee-hee. Woody.) Thirty-five bucks for a toy wooden station wagon? Seriously. Kids don’t even know what a station wagon is, so why would they want one? It’s not even interesting. Besides, $35 would probably pay for a real wood-paneled station wagon.

Marvel Legends Deadpool Action Figure ($49.99)

I know I’m not hip to the comic universe, but I don’t think I need to be to know perfectly well that this is a toy for big boys ages 30-52. They all want to be this, but only Ryan Reynolds is capable of it.

Coinhole ($15)

It’s a game involving tossing coins into holes, and I’m still sitting here, laughing at the name of it. It’s a Woody Wagon, Coinhole kind of day.

Power Wheels Boomerang Vehicle ($399.99)

The copy is as follows: “The Power Wheels Boomerang vehicle is a young racer’s dream, allowing kids to tilt and spin into awesome, fully controlled drifts. This rad ride-on powers over different terrains and races at a maximum speed of 5 miles per hour in the forward direction, maximum 2.5 miles per hour in reverse.” Basically, if you want your kid to think he’s/she’s Vin Diesel on the road (or just a generic asshole on the interstate), this is the hot toy for him or her.

Hatchimals ($69.99)

This has been at the top of the hot toy lists for most of this year, and I don’t get it. I mean, take a look at this copy: “Hold and rub your Hatchimals Surprise egg and you will hear adorable sounds and may even see a set of eyes inside!” Why oh why would you subject your little one to the nightmare-inducing possibility of what’s inside the “surprise egg”? I don’t believe for a second that it’s the weird, multicolored winged puppy thing that’s shown here. I’ve seen all of the Alien franchise. I know what happens. I think you all should educate yourselves before deciding this.

Organic Cotton Fruit Basket ($36)

Only purchase if you’ve little David Wolfe Avocadoes or little Gwennie Paltrows-in-training.

Pour Taste ($20)

I shit you not here. This is a drinking game for all of your little wannabe mixologists and future frat/sorority rushees. Get them good and ready for what’s to come!

 

 

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11 thoughts on “Christmas Gifts I Won’t Buy My Nephews (2017 edition)

    • I think toys, for the most part, are designed with absurdity in mind, but the problem arises when adults (especially the ones with no imagination or just want to be kind dad forever) are hired to create them. I mean, these are just. Nope.

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