- Boy, has this site changed since I was last on it back in 2010. Apparently, the company figured out a sneaky way to wrest more money out of their customers. The trick is to completely ignore set preferences just so that, out of desperation, the customer “power(s) up” their profile by paying more money for things that should be automatically available to subscribers to begin with. For instance, they toss in some “selections”/”matches” that are relatively local, but that’s all. Note the word “relatively” there. I’ve mine set for within 50 miles of my location, and I get matches that are within the region, which spans the entire state. Sometimes, I even get a match from completely out of state. Go home, Match. You’re drunk.
- I’ve indicated I’m looking for single men — you know, fellas who aren’t attached by the whole matrimony thing. My settings literally indicate the following: “Never married, Widow/Widower, Divorced.” However, my randomized list of daily matches has included too many men who are “currently separated.” I know I didn’t select that option (I’m looking at my profile right now). Now don’t get me wrong, I was once at “currently separated” status since divorces take for-bloody-ever to legally process (unless you’re in Nevada, I suppose), and presumably long before that ball was rolling, the marriage had been on the fritz. That said, there are an awful lot of “currently separated” men on Match, and I’ve more than a nagging suspicion that for many of them it’s just dickish code for “I’m married and want some booty on the side, but my wife knows about Ashley Madison, so I’m hiding here in hopes she doesn’t find out.”
- My randomized list of matches has also included profiles from women. Nowhere in my preferences did I indicate that was what I was looking for. Besides, none of the women Match has considerately and conscientiously paired me with has anything in common with me (So, sorry, Brenda163, I don’t enjoy beading and WWE Raw).
- Match has also ignored my much more specific preferences (education, faith, politics, and income). Okay, sure, back when I was young and naive and had no standards, I couldn’t have cared less, as long as he was shiny and new. Then I went out with a shiny new one, all handsome and pre-med, who wanted me to regularly attend megachurch services with him where there was all kinds of crazy hellfire and brimstone preaching and wailing, and, well, right now, I’m just not into that brand of stress before I kick the proverbial bucket.
- BONUS: Genuinely creepy app feature — Want a little side of big brother to go with your online “matches”? Under the “discover” function there’s a selection you can click titled “missed connections.” It hones in on which “matches” have been in your (street-specific) location when you were there, too. I don’t know what will play out once I run into one of them who happens to be looking at me, then on his cell, at the same time that I am.
- I don’t know about everyone else on this site, but I may be a bit addicted to its never-ending questionnaire that’s supposed to target matches according to how I answer. Granted, some of the questions need room for a nice shade of grey kind of answer, and some of them seemed to have been written by 14 year old schoolboys who were trying to be as perverted as they could. I think Donald Trump may have been an inspiration for a handful of them (Ugh, yeah. For instance, one recent question asked was would I be into golden showers if my partner asked? See? #TrumpInspired).
- I don’t get many matches at all on this site, and that could be because of the 100’s of questions I’ve answered — I may be “too” specific (and just plain sad). That said, there HAVE to be guys out there just as interested in answering personality questions about things we don’t usually think about like how many books we own versus how many we’ve actually read, what do we think about propaganda in politics, and how do we rate our own social skills when we’re at a gathering.
- Another reason I don’t get many matches may have something to do with the fact I’m not willing to invest money to be in the front of the line for selections. I also don’t pay to be on the site’s “A-List” where I can see specifically who liked my profile. Like Match, it’s another seductive cash grab for them. Still though, wouldn’t it be nice to see all 560 dudes who “liked” me? (Orrrrrrr maybe not if it’s anything like my fabulous Match selections).
- All that aside, it’s pretty nifty to be able to see what answers we have/had in common.
- As it happens, I’ve met a couple of nice guys through this one, one of whom is, apparently, a 99% match with me, and like me, he was bored and answered a lot of the questions. Anyway, I don’t know if we’re good fit(s) yet, but it’s been nerve-wrackingly fun, I suppose.
Coffee Meets Bagel
- I don’t understand this one at all. Guys on the site/app are matched with 21 potential matches — “bagels” — whom/which they give a LIKE or a PASS. Then the site “…curate(s) the best potential matches for women among the men who expressed interest.” Supposedly, this gives women a seriously filtered list, thus giving women the option to communicate first to the ones they like. Well, my filtered list has been…not particularly well-filtered, kind of like my tap water at home.
- Also, conversation windows are timed when you, the “bagel,” finally open up a chat to a “coffee”(?).
- Forgive me here, but I’m assuming since women are the “bagels” the guys are labeled “coffee” because that’s what the website’s called…? Then there’s more confusion about THAT since the website indicates “Meet more of your fellow ‘Bagels’ here!” So everyone is a bagel? Why is it not called Bagel Meets Bagel then?
- The whole concept of Coffee Meets Bagel is centered around women getting to make the choices/being in control for a change, but that’s NOT what initially happens. The guys actually make the decision first with the whole “like or pass,” swipe right or left Tinder thing.
- And why are all these sites emulating Tinder (and no, I’m not joining the hot-or-not Tinder club, thank you very much).
Notes on the Online Profiles (In General)
1. Every other person online is a big fat liar. Quelle surprise, I know. Stereotypically speaking, women lie about age and weight, and men lie about height and (yes). That said, I’ve found so many guys on these sites who are blatantly lying about their ages. Either that, or they’ve been going through the wringer in their 40s. I doubt it’s that, though. I mean, all I have to do is check their partner “preferences” to see the reality in that many of them want women who are anywhere from 5-25 years younger than they are. I guess to post you’re a 47 year old man (who looks more like 67 in his pictures) looking for a woman anywhere from 21-42 is, at least, I don’t know…reasonable, right? Much more so than the 67 year old man at any rate.
(FFS, why not admit you’re looking for younger arm candy and nothing more, you tossers.)
2. Sayings that should be prohibited from profiles:
“I like to live life to the fullest.”
“Life is too short, so…”
“You only live once so…”
“I am fun and easygoing. Looking for that special lady.”
“…looks great in heels for a night out but just as sexy with a tank top & shorts.”
“I am looking for that special someone to…(fill in the blank with all of the interests he likes and nothing else).”
“I’m very down to earth.”
“I’m looking for my princess…”
3. Every guy in my state seems to enjoy being outdoors. I like the outdoors, too, but I live in Florida where it’s cold (aka “nippy”) maybe 2-3 weeks out of the year and pleasantly warm maybe 3-5 weeks after. During those weeks, Florida is tolerable outside. Sometimes, it’s even fun. The rest of the time, however, we’re basically in hell, melting into the asphalt and sand and getting bitten by bugs that may eventually kill us. What kind of crazyfools enjoy being outdoors in Florida during most of the year? If it’s beachside, okay, I get that, and I like the beach. At least there’s a place to cool off…and umbrellas are helpful, too. Otherwise, what is wrong in the head with all of these outdoorsy guys?
4. Nearly every guy also feels the need to indicate he is a workout fanatic. Which means he’s looking for another workout fanatic to share in this delightful experience. Piss off. I will only work out because I need to, not because I want to. There is nothing fun about working out. No there isn’t. End of.
5. Oh, one more thing…Stop with the serial killer-like selfies, please.