crazy / depression / Home/Family Life / Love and Heartbreak / Work / writing

Dueling Worlds

Nobody told me it was going to be like this…

Regular Working World: One in which I plod through, day to day, nodding and smiling in support towards colleagues and students and the occasional administrator. I teach, I answer questions, I grade papers, I question myself, I re-grade some papers, I teach some more, I listen more often, I comfort students in need, I forget to eat lunch, I trouble my office neighbor for a moment, I make 100 copies, I listen some more, I fret, I wilt, I grade again, I grow invisible in the noise until somebody, somewhere, complains.

Regular Household World: Later, I busy myself with all the grownup tasks that keep us just insipid. I care for the cat, I pay the bills and taxes, I grocery shop, I listen to my sisters, I maintain a vehicle, I sometimes clean, I wash the clothes and sheets, I make dinner for one tonight and lunch for one for tomorrow, I cry into a pillow or in the shower, I forget to turn on the coffee maker, I water the dead plants, I masturbate, I attempt to ignore the neighbors’ loud music while I silently seethe, I take out the garbage, I say “hello” to the dog walkers who don’t know me but pretend to, I turn up the AC, I try to sleep, I don’t exist in this loop.

Regular Social World: Here, I begin to find myself as I gather up my being in little pieces, but it’s still the same. I laugh from time to time, I share gossip, I hug tightly, I gossip, I throw shade at gossip, I talk for a moment about news, I listen for a moment to the news, I feel one friend’s utter hopelessness, I lust after another friend who still has yet to see me, I watch more streaming to keep a conversation going, I hide more often to keep from sharing, I make small talk with the cashier, I make even smaller talk with the neighbors, I remember that there’s more than this, but I don’t know what.

Horror Authors’ World: I don’t know this place at all, but now that I’m slowly dipping my toes in, it’s interesting, and it’s growing on me…to an extent. I marvel at their successes, I feel their rejections, I heed their advice, I despise their plagiarists and madmen, I don’t understand them, I’m a bit shocked by them, I laugh at their jokes, I’m appalled by their stories, I feel their stories, I’m in their stories, I die a cruel death in their stories, I’m then resurrected and naked among them, I love and hate their humanity, I don’t want to know about them, I want to know everything about them, I bring popcorn to their fights, I bring cold duck to their celebrations, I love that they bring their words upon words upon words upon dark delights …

…I think I want to join their world, but I need to understand it first.


With all of that being said…

My first ever horror novel, RECEPTION, is forthcoming soon from Death’s Head Press.

To be frank, the thought of it terrifies me. I’ve a feeling a lot of people I love are going to see me a bit…differently. I don’t know if that’s a good thing.

It’s not my usual stuff.


To be continued…

4 thoughts on “Dueling Worlds

  1. I feel this way every day, minus the horror author’s world. Teacher, mom, friend, writer. Congratulations on the book release! That is an amazing accomplishment. I look forward to reading it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much! I think we all feel ever so slightly terrified and excited in some way (“excitified”?), having our work out there for public viewing and then commenting on.

      Anyway, I hope you get your 52 First Dates memoir out soon. I love the idea. It’s reminiscent of that whole “year of yes” that was so popular awhile ago. I’ve a love-hate relationship with my singlehood. I love not having to compromise, but I hate being lonely. The dating thing though…You have more guts than I, my new friend.


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