Love and Heartbreak

Singletown, again.

Right, so I may be looking for a rebound, but I’m not sure. At my age, rebounds seem as if they’d be just as exhausting as an all-out relationship. I think the last relationship I was in was kind of a rebound, one that lasted seven years. I’d been long unable to let go of someone else, even while I was falling in love with him. I guess it was unfair on him, but there were other issues I couldn’t shake. Other issues he couldn’t shake.

Other issues neither of us could shake.

Even still, no matter what I do, no matter what happens, with whom it is, how it came to be, I always wind up being the breakup-ee rather than the breakupper.

(Breakupper. That sounds like a marketable illegal substance. No stealing. Trademark, me. Copyright, me. My idea, mofo.)

I’m not ready to be broken up with. I’m too tired.

That aside though, I really don’t want to be alone anymore. I thought I did for a while. It’s been nice having my weekends relatively free, even though they’re never really all that free because I keep taking home anywhere from 50-150 papers to grade (the number depending on the kind of mood I was in during my office hours and the kind of mood and drink I was in during hours after work). The loneliness though, it’s searing. It hurts. He was my lover and friend, and frankly, the loss of his friendship hurts more because losing a lover, to me, as I’ve aged, now seems old toast. Done. Stale. Chewed rawhide.

Losing a friend due to having also been a lover. That’s not what it’s all about, is it? I always thought it was about companionship, really. It’s what we seem to long for when we’re older. That reliable comfort. Someone to do things with, someone to talk to when everything grows tiresome.

Boy, howdy, does it get tiresome the older we get.

Still, I’m at the point in my life when it’s time to start thinking about what’s next. I’m in the primary generation (X) of parents now, some grandparents, and most of whom are settled into whatever it is they believe they’re supposed to be doing…

With the 2.5 kids, big house, tedious (but safe) career, PTA meetings, backyard BBQs, Saturday morning yoga, Sunday night football, mommy-and-me events and playdates (or whatever that shit is), Starbucks runs, after-school activities, fixed-rate mortgage loans, SUVs with stick figure family bumper stickers, plus-one holiday parties, family road trips, Target shopathons, penciled-in sexy time, last minute birthday plans, occasional dinners at Applebee’s, family movie night, pancakes for breakfast, toss the ol’ ball around, afternoon yardwork, etc. etc.

I don’t want all that, but I now know I want someone around to help fill in the gaps.

Publishing endeavors have gone sour. Have fizzled. Again, my once best friend isn’t around to talk to about any of it, and, again, I hate that even more than I hate the thought of not having him around to be naked in bed with, really. There’s that loss of companionship. I’m empty.

As much as I want That, I’m still torn about getting back to find That, the ever-elusive “The One.” I don’t believe in The One though. I’ve had 4 supposed/mistaken “One’s” and a number of halves, so technically, I could be really wanting an End One, even if he’s actually The Eleventh or The Twelfth.

(I don’t do math. It shows, doesn’t it?)

My profile is active now on (ugh) two of the “better” dating sites, and I’d forgotten how aggravating it is. I realize the odds, generally speaking, are better for women simply because we’re more inclined to get responses, especially when we’ve a recent photo up AND have that annoying notification for all in the vicinity that we’ve been online recently. Even still, the responses are either, for the most part, so devoid of personality or so bombastic in a mass-sent (copy-and-paste) display of pickup line “seduction.” All of it serves to further remind me (and other women, I’m sure) that motives are definitely in contrast to what they indicate on their profiles, which is why dating sites—never mind dating itself—is one, giant, spin-of-the-wheel gamble.

I met the guy, seven year romantic-fling/whatever the hell we had, online, and he’d been one of the very few who’d at least engaged in interesting, adult conversation. He’d not been one who’d led with something like any one of the following (mangled language and all)…

  1. Hello there u care 2chat sometime
  2. Hi! I’m in town for a little while and thought it might be fun to…
  3. Heyyyyyy
  4. Hiiiiii beautiful
  5. Hey there. How are you today. Hope your having a great day!
  6. Hi my name is _____ i like u tex me here or tex me at (XXX) XXX-XXX
  7. Nice…are you close?
  8. Pretty sexy
  9. HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY?
  10. Hey how are u doin…? It says were more then Compatible. So we’ll argue like not even HALF of the time!
  11. Hey there what’s up can we talk some
  12. HYD Gorgeous 😉
  13. Gdm (To which I’d the urge to reply, “WTF?”)
  14. Hi…Surprise 🙂
  15. Hello, hope is my baby
  16. hi could you be different and maybe talk to me because it seems like nobody on this site will talk to me I don’t know why lol

And all of that is just a small sampling of what I had in my inboxes thus far over the past couple of weeks since I’ve been back at it. All of that and I’ve not even officially become a paying subscriber. All of that and it’s exhausting just wading through it.

This is how my 2017 ends and my 2018 begins.

 

I’m ever in need of a nap.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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14 thoughts on “Singletown, again.

  1. Ugh. I do not envy you’re having to be “out there” again. I wouldn’t know how to do it at this point. But there has to be more intelligent and non-superficial people out there, who are actually single and available. I hope you have more luck than those would indicate. 😏

    Liked by 1 person

  2. As a person who has been “encoupled” way more than once, and the last one seemed to be God’s Judgement on me for continuing to “try,” because my friends thought I shouldn’t be single? Yeah, that happened. Online, too. The Evil X. Con man, sociopath, asshole. Nevermind.

    I will say this. If you can live with yourself, be your own best friend, beat loneliness through meaningful action (all the things you’ve always wanted to do, to be) you are free. There are a lot of ways to look at this. I wouldn’t even try to date again for at least a year. Find your feet, yourself, your liberty. Seriously. Fuck all those expectations of dinners at (gross) Applebees. Other people’s lives are NEVER what they look like from the outside.

    BUT if you WANT a family then by all means do whatever you can to get one. That’s another issue beyond being able to live with ones self, alone.

    I’m sorry you’re at this point. 😦

    Liked by 2 people

    • You’re so right in that the only way one can move forward is to become familiar, even best friends, with herself. Good goals involving the things I want to do certainly help. They’ve kept me intellectually, and even emotionally, occupied, which is healthy. I think I wrote this because I long for a good companion. Not a husband, not a hanger-on (I don’t know what else to call it), not even a (traditional?) boyfriend, but a really good friend. Having read the responses to this, I realize more now that I’m seriously lacking in — especially, as Lina noted — strong friendships with single people, especially around here where families and retirees make up the populace. Like Lina, many of my friends are married, some with children. Everyone I know here is coupled. The people I’d thought to be my best friends, including my sisters, are “encoupled,” and now, their “better halves” are their best friends (although, I really wonder about a couple of them). As a result, trying to make plans with them seems an exercise in futility since…well, the obvious.

      I admire you, Martha, for your absolute self-awareness. One day, I hope to be as strong and assured.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I totally get wanting a good friend. I’ve had some in my life (female, male, gay) and those were truly some of the best times of my life. You just don’t know when they’re going to appear but it’s wonderful when they do. 🙂

        I also understand the “couple” thing. My friends are married and have been for a long time. The priorities are different. I spend a lot of time alone, but, for whatever reason (and I understand the reasons, now) I never found my “partner” or I did but my model of love was very twisted by my childhood (I think that’s the story, anyway). Sometimes they envy me. “You get up in the morning and write stories and paint pictures? Just like that?” one of them asked me last year.

        I thought, “Yeah, I do that.” I know that’s not as easy when you’re part of a couple. And, when I was part of a couple I automatically took second place.

        It took the Evil X for me to “get it.” I was in my late 50s. I COULD have gotten it sooner, but I wasn’t looking and had other preoccupations. It’s just difficult. 😦

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I enjoyed your blog and love the idea that you’ve met some “halves” instead of “ the one”
    I agree with the former poster. Don’t rush into something else, and give yourself some growth time. I won’t say “I’m sorry” because this is a normal part of life and you are not to be felt sorry for. We learn every year and with age you will get that much closer to making better choices in partners as well. Singlehood can be lonely but I say get a cat or a dog for companionship before jumping into just anything!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Well, thank you much! Oh, I’m not fully alone. I’ve a cat who’s both a sweetheart and an asshole like cats can be, and while cats and dogs (and I suppose birds and micropigs and gerbils and ferrets and so on) are lovely and all, providing unconditional love most days, it’s hard to have a serious conversation about anything with them as we’ve no translators and our interests are so vastly different.
      I’d like to talk about writing, for example, but my cat would rather talk about all of the cupboards he’s opened all over the house. I’d like to chat about pop culture, but he wants to go on about the bug he hunted and then ate this morning. I’d love to have a conversation about all of the political upheaval that’s happening, but he wants to tell me all about his adventures in knocking things off my vanity.

      I suppose I just want someone who understands me. I am sure he does as well. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  4. As someone who’s been single and looking for “the one” for a very, very long time, I totally empathize. Yes, it gets lonely and sad and I sometimes feel like I’m *this* close to becoming a crazy cat lady for, but learning to live with yourself, alone, is a much bigger deal than we give it credit for. It’s harder when you’re newly single, and I feel like I’m so far on the other side of it now that it would actually be hard for me to re-learn to compromise and sactifice my alone time should I meet someone new, but trust me, it does get easier.
    And like Martha said, fuck those expectations about family outings and all that jazz. For all you know, all your married/coupled friends and acquaintances envy your single status because you get to do all the stuff they’re not able to any more between running a household and caring for the kids and afterschool activites etc.

    As for online dating, ugh. I was on one of those sites for a spell and got pretty much the same inane pick up lines as you posted, plus a few dick pics and a proposition by some guy who wanted to be my slave (should have taken him up on it, I could use an extra pair of hands around the house!). I did manage to meet a couple of guys who have now become my friends, so I guess if the chemistry was there or distance wasn’t an issue, one of those could have been ‘the one’. What I’m trying to say is that he’s probably still out there, or at least I hope he is.

    Until that elusive ‘one’ comes long, however, I refuse to settle just because I’m lonely or because it would be easier for everyone around me. It helps if you have a couple of single friends – it’s not the same level of companionship you get when your lover is also your best friend, but it’s something. Most of my girlfriends are married with kids by now but thank fuck for my male gay best friends 😉

    Big big hugs sweetie ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi, dear heart! ❤ Why can't you live here or I live there or something? I swear, if I could afford it, I'd be on the next flight out of the country to hang out with you.

      Do you find the very notion of The One to be somewhat silly as we tend to have several loves and/or we are simply content with ourselves as The One?

      (And why do I feel like I keep referring to a Jet Li movie?)

      You know I don't give a good goddamn about any of the 2.5 family stuff I'd listed. Those sorts of societal expectations and all that, to me, seem to turn people deeply boring, routine, rinse, repeat. Here in this area where I live, it's what everyone seems to want, and I can't fathom that whatsoever (especially the baby-making thing). The only thing I understand, the only thing I would possibly want out of a life like that, is the companionship. However, I don't like how that archaic idea of companionship means Do Every Damned Thing Together…well, except on Saturday mornings for yoga with the girls and yardwork with the boys. Of course, those examples are quite specific, but you could fill them in accordingly to show that smidge of "independence" still lingering there (e.g., Thursday night wine time out with the girls and Sunday night football in with the boys seem to be popular go-to's here).

      As for the online dating thing, you're so right. It's really…ugh…I know…but it's the only thing I can do around here that gets me out and meeting guys outside of this town. And, yes, I think you should've taken that slave guy up on his offer because it would've been nice to not have to lift a finger to do all the chores ever again. Creepy, sure, but he would be domesticated at least. Haven't had the joy yet of receiving an unsolicited dick pic ever, but I've received a couple of offers of…kindly excuse me here…"good head." Why do I get the feeling they'd be lousy conversationalists?

      Hugs to you, my friend. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh, I wish I could afford a trip to the US to hang out with you too! I’m sure we’d have a blast (and eat cake!)

        As for The One, for me it’s been several ‘young loves’ in my 20s, then someone I thought was The One but who had severe commitment issues, then nothing. It took me forever to get over him (he’s now one of my best friends, which is probably one of the reasons why I couldn’t move on for the longest time) and I haven’t met anyone I’m even remotely interested in since then. Bah. The whole conversation about The One (ahahah @ Jet Li movie!) reminds me of that Friends episode about soulmates. I don’t know if they exist but so many people seem to find theirs, I just feel left out, you know?

        And yeah, societal expectations suck, and with the added pressure of being an only child whose parents want a grandkid is freaking suffocating. I never really liked kids or oohed and aahed over cute babies, but I was always sure I’d probably want a family once I found the guy I’d want to have one with, but so far it hasn’t happened. It sounds nice in theory but then you think of everything in entails and I don’t know if I’d want to sacrifice my ‘me’ time for the next 18 or so years… It’s not the routine that bothers me so much, it’s the fact that most of my friends who have hubbies and kids act like they’ve been lobotimized; their children is the only topic of conversation, they can never make time for anything else, and don’t get me started on those kids’ birthday parties (I’ve been to a lot more of those than I ever cared to thanks to the cake business). So yeah, I miss the companionship but I don’t think I really want it on those terms. Scratch that, I don’t even know if I want it. I’d just appreciate the option :/

        The online thing can be so frustrating because 90% of the guys on these sites are creeps. I’ve had better luck talking to people on Tinder, to be honest. The percentage of horny idiots who’re only looking for a ONS is the same, really.

        Hang in there, gorgeous. Our time will come!

        Liked by 1 person

      • By the way I don’t believe in “the one” . I did maybe when I was like 22 but not now. I believe there’s people out there that you can make it work with. What I ask my 30 something year old girlfriend when she complains about a guy, does the pro-list outweigh the con-list? If yes, then stop complaining. This is coming from someone who never thought I would be into the wife-life and the Mom-life. I started late in the game compared to the people I grew up with, but now that I have it-it’s comforting. Not exciting exactly, but a peaceful life nonetheless

        Liked by 1 person

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