While I’ve a couple of weeks to write, I figured the way I can effectively get back into it just after a truly hellacious year (thanks to COVID and all the problems that come with teaching online) is to return to something short and sweet I’d traditionally done here. The empty Amazon boxes everywhere from a year’s worth of online shopping also serve as a reminder that I needed to do this.
So with that being said, I give you my list of the 2020 Gifts I Won’t Buy For My Nephews…
The Breast Milk Baby
My nephews are genuinely loving, nurturing, kind kids who adore babies, but none of them are ready to breast feed. That’s just how it is.
Gotta Go Flamingo
Not only are my nephews not ready to breastfeed, they’re also not prepared to potty train a flamingo, no matter how spacious their bathrooms are.
PowerMite Working Power Tools
If my nephews aren’t prepared to breast feed babies or toilet train flamingos, what in the ever-loving hell makes you think they’re ready to use working power tools?
Monopoly: Friends Edition
There’s a weird toy and game trend happening right now, a Gen. X revival of all things pop culture from the 1980s-1990s. It’s cute and all, but I don’t get why this particular game is on the toy list this year. Not one of my nephews will understand the references of Smelly Cat, Joey Doesn’t Share Food, Unagi, Jet aplee bloo, Pivot, They don’t know that we know that they know, He’s her lobster, and Holiday Armadillo.
Well, okay, they may not understand, but they can probably appreciate them.
I think the general consensus among toy companies this year is that they think kids should be out of the house by 10 years old. Either that, or as in the example with this kid-sized kitchen, they’re being prepped to live like the Jetsons at some point. If that’s the case, where are the flying cards and robot servants? Alexa can’t be expected to do everything, can she?
Dyson Kids’ Vacuum Cleaner
Okay, what kind of parent gets their kid a vacuum cleaner for Christmas? Probably the same parent who gets them Alexa-enabled kitchens, flamingos-in-need-of-toilet-training, Gen. X TV themed games, actual working power tools, and a baby doll that needs breast milk.
The Child (aka Baby Yoda…aka some name no one cares about…GooGoo? GiGi? Gibbo? Gilgamesh?)
The absurdly cute little bugger from The Mandalorian is on everyone’s wish list, especially now that they can get an animatronic one…like the actual one on the series itself. Nothing codependent and creepy about that.
Nothing creepy at all.
(What the hell, the kids will love it.)