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Christmas Gifts I Won’t Buy My Nephews (2015 edition)

It’s that time of the year. The time of the year when school is very nearly out, and it’s like all the kids are jacked on sugar cookie-crank. My nephews — I cannot believe I now have FOUR of them. FOUR. I’m beginning to think both my sisters have some kind of secret handshake that goes with their 2-boys club or something to that effect. It’s got to be some kind of conspiracy. Boys. Four of them.

I love those loony-tunes more than anything though. I’d give them the world on a string if that cliche were possible. Unfortunately, there’s only so much a single girl on one income can do for them. I DO know, though, there are things, every year, I simply won’t get for them because…well…they’re gifts worthy of either A) regifting,  B) Goodwill, or C) the bottom of the pile when dumpster diving.

This year, like the many before, is no exception…

  1. FurbyIsBack? Furby is back, apparently. (Why is it always the more crap changes, the more it stays the same?) Furby is like water: Furby cannot be created or destroyed. Furby probably has his own landfill by now.
  2. PieFace  PieFace seems to be a game where it’s funny to have someone get bitchslapped with whipped cream in a plastic hand. My nephews would love it, but my sisters would hate me forever. It’s not worth it.
  3. kids-mermaid-blanket  Real Simple, courtesy of Martha Stewart, thinks kids would love a mermaid blankie. It’s not even a mermaid. It’s half a mermaid. It’s a fishtail. That’s just morbid.
  4. kids_grocerycartIt’s a supermarket cart…for kids. Of course, since it’s a “clever” idea by Pottery Barn, they’ve taken the concept, shrunk it down to kiddie size, and are charging $49 for it. If my nephs really want a supermarket cart because they’re that nutty, I’ll go to the actual grocery store just down the street from me and take one home for free. It’s bigger and faster, I’ll bet.
  5. PoopyHeadPoopyhead may possibly be the most genius name for a kids’ game, ever, but somehow I feel like it belongs somewhere else…in another part of the world…like Japan where such things as poop museums exist: poopmuseum
    (A place where everyone can be a poopyhead, poopy hat and all.)
  6. BoogerMonsterIt’s a sad day when Furby looks a tad sight better than whatever the hell this boogersnot creation is.
  7. vw-kids-tent_300And now your kids can re-live their late ’60’s childhoods with the new inflatable VW van!
  8. toy-salad_300This is a toy salad. You read that correctly. A Toy. Salad. What fresh, crispy, leafy, vinegar-and-oil hell is this for a KID? I am aware that the 21st century child is weird as can be due to his parents being afraid of the “obesity” word (I’m sorry…”epidemic”…since we want to create lexicon-emphatic hysteria), but if we’re going to have them imagine being a grown-up, making such choices, why not create a wooden ten-layer cake to go with their wooden salad since we grownups know that one negates the other upon consumption. Isn’t that how it goes?
  9. KitchenBugsAfter your kid makes a wooden salad, he can scare off all the bugs that had been drawn to it.
  10. kid-mailbox_300Dear Nephews, Once upon a time, there was this wonderful mode of written communication called letters. You now call it email. You, too, can put out your authentic mailbox just like the ones your grandparents grew up with, and just like your grandparents, you can wait…and wait…and wait for the day when your mailbox isn’t filled with takeout menus for Dominos and Chinese food (aka bourbon chicken); limited time offers from your local car dealerships; flyers soliciting timeshare; leaflets about the end of the world from Seventh Day Adventists, and so many…oh so many bills.
  11. Frozenkaraoke Fuck you, child, for wanting this. Fuck you for totally eliminating whatever dregs of sanity your mom and dad may have left. Fuck you and your Elsas and Olafs and Let It Goings. You are, quite possibly, the reason why they drink.


10 thoughts on “Christmas Gifts I Won’t Buy My Nephews (2015 edition)

  1. Furby is just one of those things…. well …. like pet rocks. Then again, pet rocks are at least quiet. I have a kid who’d probably like that Poopyhead game … mainly because he’s a kid and the word “poopy” is the gateway to the outer limits of comedy to him. Anyhoo, very funny this! Your nephew’s are lucky that their aunt has such good taste and won’t try to stuff a plastic salad (for real?) In their Christmas stockings.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks much! I wonder how many parents will be seriously GETTING any of these based on what teh culturez tells them to get. I don’t think the salad and mailbox…or the cart…would be on the lists, but the games and Frozen karaoke, yeah. Their doing though. They should know, eh?


      • MAYBE the games will be on some lists, probably the Furby (word’s gotten around, but there are still unsuspecting newer parents out there — this is a pubic service you’re providing, really). (And I still think I would go to jail if what I did to that Furby were caught on video, or at least that video would go viral and THEN I’d be forced to get some sort of psych eval … and then to jail.) One of the main things I like about your list (aside from your commentary) is the inclusion of the salad and the cart. Kids do like using those carts at the store (my oldest did anyway), for about 5 minutes; then they leave the “pretend” cart in some aisle with your “real groceries” in them. But the salad? It’s just so ridiculous, weird, sort of pushy? The thing that freaked me out most, though, was the mermaid blanket: just, GROSS. As for the karaoke machine, I bet it sells out and it’s gonna be a really tough holiday season for a lot of people. (Still finding typos in my earlier posts. Glad I went back to sleep. Going to be a long day.) Anyway, I’m sharing your post on my FB page.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh, heck yes, the salad toy is definitely pushy. I get the encouraging-children-to-be-mindful-of-food thing completely, but there’s the sort of parent who takes it one step too far in making sure the TOYS reflect that, too. It’s like the lunacy of turning Cookie Monster into a waif and replacing his cookies with veg.

        Yeah, the mermaid blanket. Wrong. So very wrong. (And WHY?)

        Oh, hey, thanks for sharing the post, too, by the way! The more the merrier over here! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks for the hilarious read! I’m not exactly in tune with what kids like to play with these days, but my 5 year old godson would absolutely adore the poopyhead game. His favorite nickname for pretty much everyone (and everything) is ‘Poo Poo’, but I think that, like Pie Face, it’s the kind of game the kid would enjoy but his mom would hate me forever if I got it for him.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re welcome! I confess I’m only in the know of these things due to ample research (I still refuse to see Frozen though). Like your godson, there’s no doubt the nephs would dig a game that has anything “poopy” in the title. I can’t make any enemies of my sisters though…not today. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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